Books by Author


“Conflict Resolution for Couples – the Complete Edition”

“Conflict Resolution for Couples” is written in a comprehensive and logical progression that maps out how to have a healthy relationship, one where conflict can be readily managed. It has solid answers for couples trying to find reasonable solutions.

This 10th Anniversary Edition discusses the following topics:

  • the basics of a healthy relationship
  • a model for managing conflict
  • 26 guidelines for conflict resolution
  • making and maintaining lasting changes
  • affair-proofing and affair-recovery
  • considering or moving through a separation

The most recent edition of this book, the 10th Anniversary Edition, also titled “the Complete Edition”, is dated 9/30/2015.

“Conflict Resolution for Christian Couples”

“Conflict Resolution for Christian Couples” is written specifically for Christian couples who are having difficulties working out reasonable solutions.

This book consists of four parts.

  • Part I is about establishing a healthy foundation: 1) knowing the basics of Biblical knowledge, prayer, fellowship and application, and 2) incorporating spirituality into your relationship, and respecting the balance between grace and accountability.
  • Part II details a useful conflict resolution model and itemizes 26 effective tools (the ABC’s) for moving smoothly through issues.
  • Part III provides a solution model for mapping out a plan for change, and discusses healthy routines for maintaining change.
  • Part IV addresses affair recovery/affair safe-guarding, and considering or going through a marital separation.

The most recent edition of this book is dated 11/17/2015.

Marriage Essentials

“The Top 10 Marriage Essentials”

The Top 10 Marriage Essentials is a reflection of the couple’s work that Paul has done over his long career as a professional counselor. Moving past his three books on couple’s conflict resolution, “Marriage Essentials” addresses the top 10 recurring relationship issues he has encountered over the course of his work, discussing both the problem and the solutions. Each chapter in the book is committed to one of the ten “essentials”:

  • realistic role expectations
  • creating true intimacy
  • keeping the marriage as a priority
  • maintaining healthy boundaries
  • fostering respectful behavior
  • practicing validation
  • exercising loving accountability
  • embracing forgiveness
  • differing perceptions of reality
  • working towards a healthy, balanced you.

The most recent edition of this book is dated 3/7/2016.

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“The Top 10 Dating Essentials”

“The Top 10 Dating Essentials” isn’t a book about how to manipulate potential partners into dating you, nor is it about social etiquette on a date. It’s about knowing what’s important to look for in a partner, what makes a relationship work, and what you need to be working on with yourself.Paul’s “Dating Essentials” addresses what every dater should know about dating. The ten “essentials” details:

  • Knowing what “healthy” actually looks like
  • Moving past your own past
  • Understanding your partner’s “type”
  • Recognizing manipulation
  • Mythologies of dating
  • Knowing what to judge
  • How to handle conflict
  • Knowing healthy boundaries
  • Respecting the time for transitions
  • What true intimacy looks like

The most recent edition of this book is dated 1/15/2016.

“Moving Past Personal Crises”

“Moving Past Personal Crises” is about both preventing and persevering through a personal crisis. It examines what makes you more vulnerable for a crisis to occur, as well as what some of the most useful tools are for getting through (and getting out of) whatever crisis you’re in – be it situational or self-created. This book addresses the following topics:

  • understanding emotional pain
  • respecting your own legitimate needs
  • handling the unknowns
  • dealing with what can’t be changed
  • restoring a sense of control
  • healthy distraction
  • balance as prevention
  • fostering mindfulness
  • managing difficult emotions
  • healthy spirituality

The most recent edition of this book is dated 12/4/2018.

Just the tools“Conflict Resolution for Couples: ‘Just the Tools’ Edition”

The “Just the Tools” edition of “Conflict Resolution for Couples” is an abbreviated version of Paul Shaffer’s first book, “Conflict Resolution for Couples” – originally published in 2005, and recently re-released in 2015 (the “Complete Edition”). This leaner edition “cuts to the chase” of couple’s conflict resolution, without the foundational and special population sections that made the original book a much meatier but intimidating work. “Just the Tools”, while a stand-alone title, also serves as a companion book to either Paul’s the “Top 10 Marriage Essentials” or the “Top 10 Dating Essentials”. It retains the same comprehensive, easy-to-understand, and logical progression found in the original.

This book consists of essentially two parts:

Part I is about the tools for resolution. It presents a model for managing conflict and itemizes 26 guidelines (the ABC’s of conflict resolution) for identifying, validating, processing and resolving issues.

Part II discusses strategies for change. It focuses on initiating and maintaining change, understanding lack of change, and healthy routines to support lasting change.